A Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half
And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her.
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop”, “Tower of Torture”, or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Ball featuring Aerosmith”, and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.
Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes.
And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking you, because if I kknew, I’d be doing it, Youdamnit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,
For Childhood is short-a Tiger Flower blooming in Magenta for one day-
And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever,
That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers
And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,
Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,
For I will not have that Shit, I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,
That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50AM, all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once”, she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget.
But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God Eyes.
Amen.

Bossypants, Page 261-263 (according to Kindle)

An excerpt from Bossypants, the hilarious work of Tina Fey. I read it a few months ago and LOVED it. I was just clicking through my Kindle for a new book to read and stumbled across my highlight of this prayer. I had to share, I love it so much. Seriously, buy this book! It’s one of my favorites of the year.
Note, I realize this might give people the wrong idea. No, I’m not becoming a mother. I just laughed out loud at this excerpt and SO many other pages of the book that I had to share. But if and when I do become a mother, this doesn’t seem too far off the mark of what I would be thinking.
For now, though, I’m telling you again to check out this book. Tina Fey is an incredible writer who wraps her life story with so much dry humor and wit. I’m tempted to go back and read it all over again just for a good laugh.